Sitting at my desk, darkness fills the window. It’s early morning and I peck away on my laptop—a morning writing ritual. Pausing, I think of her. Pick up phone, thumb and index finger text ( Smitty’s kid can’t use two thumbs to text).
“I’m thinking of you this morning. Praying over you and your family. See you soon. Love you.” I pray over her.
Ding. Phone alerts text reply: “Love you too. God has filled my heart with joy and peace this morning.”
Time to get ready. I look at my reflection and apply makeup. Is she applying her makeup now too? Song comes on. Eyes tear.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
Wet lashes don’t hold mascara. I think about the morning reality she must greet. Tears blur reflection. How do you get ready for a day like this? Today is her son’s memorial service. He was 25.
Makeup on as good as can be. Song pulls emotion from deep within:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I have sung this song so many times, loving it, in theory. But today the words soak deep and it’s hard to sing. Take me deeper? Where my trust is without borders? Who prays this? Who truly lives this? When she is forced to live it, do these words really pass the lips?
Is this what it means when Jesus tells us, to count the cost of discipleship? Do I only love the gifts, but not the hard realities?
At the church, she greets each one that comes to support her. Grace smile lines her face. How does she hold it together? Service commences.
A speaker speaks:
“Death often exposes the things we lean on. It reveals to me, my small view of God.”
Speaker poses two questions:
- Is the thing you lean on, big enough to sustain you?
- How big is the God you lean on?
Final song is sung. She raises her hands in surrender to Him. My friend, the one who loved and lost, displays gracious acceptance without answered questions. She models strength and dignity. Her view of God is much bigger than mine. And she leans on Him well.
“One of the deepest surrenders we are called to make (I’d hardly call it small) is when we must accept the death of someone we love. This is the greatest test of faith. We trust that God is writing straight with crooked lines.” Emilie Griffin