It seems impossible to separate performance and success. If I do well in something, doesn’t that mean I’ve arrived…that I’m somebody?
It wasn’t my first time at Front Sight tactical training. Typically months prior to attending, I train. Practicing drills, malfunctions and ready to perform at my very best. I’m ready—always ready.
And do you know why? Because if I’m not exceptional, I’m not good enough. I’m not just talking about tactical training—this is how I feel about every conquest in life. Somehow not being in the top percentile of everything makes me feel inadequate. If I excel, my self-worth soars. If I don’t, I’m defeated. Where did I learn this garbage?
This past week, I took my first rifle course at Front Sight. I knew before going that this time would be different. To begin with, I didn’t have time to prepare as I usually do for my tactical training. So I settled my mind around attending and simply learning. That was a first for me. I took my stance: being prepared is good, but continued practice makes me a skillful rifleman.
Next, I got a good grip on truth: that success is an upward moving target causing me to continually aim higher. One achievement leads to outperforming the last, leaving me unsatisfied. I have to aim for His definition of success.
Finally, I looked through the barrel of clarity: regardless of my score on the final test, it doesn’t define who I am. I was having fun, learning, and enjoying the experience. Another first for me.
My self-imposed pressures are not God’s ways. He says that I am somebody despite my feelings of failure, success and being good enough. He gave me a title that can’t be revoked or be defined by others. My identity does not reside in how well I do. It abides in who He says I am: His daughter.
Dry and dusty Pahrump, Nevada was where I discovered true victory. I will continue to practice, remind myself of His meaning of success, and live in the space of truth—I’m His.
p.s. looks like two bullet holes, but the third shot went through the second hole!